


A White Sunset in Feburary

by KillingKathy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 10:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillingKathy/pseuds/KillingKathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I would say 'thank you thank you' <br/>over and over again, <br/>but I couldn't speak for the sound in my head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A White Sunset in Feburary

I wonder how words move people to tears. they're just letters, anyway. 

Nothing that would exist if humans weren't here.   
but I love the way that I can actually cry  
when I hear a beautiful piece of poetry.   
I would say 'thank you thank you'   
over and over again,   
but I couldn't speak for the sound in my head. 

Eren pressed his fingers to the window, watching as his breath fogged the cold glass. It was winter now, so little snowflakes were falling outside, blending seamlessly into the white snow. He blew softly on the pane, watching as a warm cloud of steam formed, soon speckled with the dew of outside.

Life has withered away too, this year. Eren rubbed his hands together, mindful of the biting cold.

Hasty for spring's arrival, the trees quickly shed their leaves 

To prepare for bloom. 

A gentle click from behind Eren reminded him of his untouched plate of food

Still sitting on a tarnished silver tray by his hospital bed.

A gentle knock on the door made his head turn slightly, eyes dull with atmospheric depression.

"Jaegar-kun." A nurse stood by the doorway. "Someone's here to see you."

A short figure stood by the doorway, awkwardly holding a package.  
Eren stared at him for a moment, then blinked slowly in affirmation. The nurse whispered something, and the person nodded, stepping through the white doorway.

"Eren." The deep voice was quiet, rebervating through the empty room.

Eren nodded, and turned back to the window, coughing slightly. Rivaille frowned, setting the roses that he'd brought by the bedside, walking to Eren.

"Are you okay?" Eren nodded, smiling slightly.

I'm cold, that's all.

Rivaille gently put a hand to his forehead. "You don't seem to have a fever.." The other squinted into his eyes.

Eren nodded, taking Rivaille's hand and entwining it with his own. The other sighed and gently pulled Eren to him, and he sank into that warmth, a shield against the winter.

"You know, when it stops snowing, we can always go to the park, right?" Rivaille nestled closer to Eren, looking at the snow covered courtyard underneath.

The other nodded, blankly looking away. What good is that? Going to the park-isn't seeing with your eyes just enough? 

Rivaille hummed. "It's strange, don't you think?" He continued, "It's usually always me in the hospital. But now, it's you. You'll get out soon, though."

Soon? Right. You know as well as me-

That's one of the most hypocritical lies in this world. 

"…Everyone misses you, you know?" Rivaille said thoughtfully. "Mikasa, Armin, Hanji, and even Irvin sometimes. I've sometimes envied you, actually." He looked at Eren. "Mikasa and Armin would do anything for you. And…I would too, to be honest."

But, Rivaille. 

Don't you think that risking everything on a single person is too terrifying? 

I know about those nights when you can't fall asleep-

Alone in that room with nothing but a distilled glass of water by your side. 

I know about the emptiness that you can't escape, 

That eats away at you, 

Making you feel like you have no one else in the world. 

But all the same, you have "yourself", 

and I gave that to you. 

Rivaille looked around the room; the atmosphere was getting awkward. "Your room looks increasingly dull every time I go here-I never actually thought I'd say this, but I miss your old one."

Eren made a noise that could've passed as a laugh, and Rivaille looked hopeful at that small sound, relaxing slightly. He threaded his fingers through Eren's hair, brushing out any small tangles and snarls. "Your hair smells like medicine-what kind of shampoo have they been giving you?"

Would I really mind shampoo, now? Would I care? 

"I should bring yours to you next time-Mikasa's taking care of your apartment now. Is there anything you want me to bring to you?"

Eren shook his head slowly, gripping Rivaille's hand tightly.

Old memories will just make things harder, no? 

"Eren." Rivaille reached up and pushed his hair aside, staring into the green eyes that dully reflected himself. "Let's go for a walk. I'll ask the nurses if you can come."

Eren opened his mouth, then closed it harshly. Stop it! Stop! I don't need your goddamn pity! 

Rivaille tugged on Eren's arm gently, leading him out the room. Eren stayed firm, resisting the grip. "Brat." He sighed. "You're so thin now, even a leaf would knock you over. You need the exercise. I don't even know why you're in the hospital-there's nothing wrong with you."

Nothing wrong? Pretending-

For the sake of me 

For the sake of a useless burden that will always hold you down-

Why are you doing this? 

Am I really worth that much? 

"Eren, come on." Rivaille tugged on Eren's arm harder, trying to get him to follow.

Eren shook his head slowly.

"…..Hey, I'm begging you." Rivaille pleaded. "…This one time. Take a walk with me. Once last time, I promise."

One last time? Eren nodded then, and let himself get dressed. Rivaille had slung a dark green trench coat over his shoulder, wrapping it snugly around Eren. It was warm.

I wonder why I hoped that that time would go on forever,

Without ever reaching an end. 

Rivaille led him out into the hallway. He talked quietly to the nurse for a moment, who nodded and let him pass. The hallways of the hospital smelled even more like chemicals than his room.

And as Eren passed a door with the label-"Nose job,"

He wondered again and again how people would risk their skin and health

Just for the sake of looking "pretty" and "beautiful".

In this world,

Where perfection was considered a necessity 

Even the most innocent of people would cheat to get it.

He didn't notice as Rivaille pushed the glass doors of the hospital open, saying a quick "hello" to the receptionist.

He didn't notice how the people in the lobby were murmuring-

Thinking that he was probably a mentally disabled patient.

A long time ago,

He would care about those things. He would care, and feel, because that's what humans did.

But now-

What was he?

An empty shell,

A drained glass,

A broken headlight-

The list could go on, and on.

Rivaille pressed the traffic button to cross the street-and Eren realized for the first time that the coat that he was wearing was Rivaille's. The other shivered slightly in the cold, trembling.

Eren was about to take the jacket off-when a hand stopped him.

"Don't." Rivaille sighed. "I'm okay."

Are you? 

"I'm okay, brat. Let's cross the street."

The street was filled with hazy slush, and Eren felt his booted feet sink into it, heard the soft crunch that it made.

Across the street was a gleaming lamp post, covered with flecks of white snow. Beyond that was a park-well, more like a meadow, actually-that was transformed into a bare land,

The trees stripped of their leaves. All but one.

There was one leaf still quivering on a branch, refusing to let go.

If that leaf is still there by the time I get back to the hospital-

I'll live again. 

Eren rashly promised himself.

But if that leaf falls

I'll stop trying. 

Although, if you thought about it, was he trying now? It really wouldn't make a difference, would it?

Rivaille sighed and leaned into Eren, seeking the others warmth. "Let's just walk around the park, okay?"

Eren nodded and kicked up some snow, admiring the way it seemed to 'sparkle' in the sunlight.

It was sunset now,

A beautiful haze covered the park, tinting everything with a orange and yellow glow.

Rivaille laughed. "You look a lot better now, Eren."

Eren looked at him, confusion written all over his face.

"I mean, you look happier." Rivaille's eyes softened, and he took Eren's hand again.

His hand was freezing, Eren noted.

But Rivaille didn't make one complaint.

Not one.

~X~

Rivaille looked at the boy beside him. His eyelashes were a dark smudge against the rest of his face.

The brilliant green eyes that he had once found so mesmerizing had dulled now, like dirty ditchwater.

And that one time-

Finally, you broke down. 

"I want to die." that voice that I loved was a mere whisper, quiet against the rustle of hospital bed sheets. 

"You don't really want that." Foolishly, I took it as a joke. 

You screamed. 

"I know the truth! I'm not going to get better! I'm tired of you being so optimistic! I'm just tired of it all!

I never want to see you again!" 

Those words stung me, straight into a dark circus of my mind. 

And the world, which I thought was perfect as long as you were there, broke down. 

"I love you!" That was the first time. 

"I love you." The second. 

I loved you.

I loved you.

I loved you.

And that emotion hurt, so much.

Eren bent down and picked up a twig off the ground, twirling it around in his fingers. He didn't look

"Happy"

"Sad"

"Tired"

Anymore, but instead, all those emotions jumbled up in one, like his brain was trying to differentiate between "right" and "wrong".

And sometimes, Rivaille thought, looking at the slender boy beside him. I would wake up crying. I didn't know anymore weather I was sad or not-

it was too dim to remember. 

Because I wished that dreams were reality, and this reality was a dream,

maybe that was the reason. 

But it wasn't because I was sad, I think. 

When you return from a happy dream to a desperate reality, 

there's a chasm that you have to step across, 

one that you can't cross without shedding tears.

He couldn't imagine living in a world where Eren wasn't there. Even though he had, once before.

But he was a child then,

Naïve and mindless of the outside world.

"Your vocal chords are infected. You'll never be able to talk again." 

the doctor told you professionally, 

quietly. 

the moment those words were said, 

you looked gently surprised, 

but almost completely detached, as if you knew it all 

along. 

"Okay." You said those words with a smile

that only I knew was shaky. 

"I'm scared." 

"Don't leave me." 

"Will I die?" 

You, who'd been strong for me through everything,

broke down crying for the second time. 

In that pressurized space,

it was as if

my conjecture of despair had been confirmed. 

Hardship..

sorrow..

during such times, what was I to do?

Happiness was truly frightening, he thought.

Because there's always that withering darkness waiting nearby to take over. Only the reckless and darning get true happiness, 

Because they're willing to risk everything just for the sake of a hopeless delusion. 

"You know, Eren." He began, a teasing tone in his voice. "I was going to ask you to marry me."

Eren whipped his head around to look at him, eyes wide in surprise.

Rivaille laughed at his reaction. "Yeah, I know. It's stupid, right?"

Eren gave a quick shake to his head.

"But-just for the sake of it, I'll pledge here, anyway." Rivaille took Eren's hand in his and blew gently on it. "I, Rivaille, do swear, that…"

~X~

"…I will protect you, Eren Jaegar, for the rest of my being."

What sake is there in protecting a sick person? Eren thought, scoffing inwardly.

"And…" Rivaille's voice broke slightly, and he took a gulp of air, composing himself.

"Oh, fuck this!" He suddenly snapped, throwing his hands up in the air. Eren smirked-that was the Rivaille he knew. Honestly, he was beginning to scare him a bit.

"Eren Jaegar." Rivaille put a pair of hands on his shoulders, bringing their foreheads together. "I love you. I fucking love you so much-I don't know what I would do after you're gone. I love the way you always wake me up in the morning-without fail. In fact," He laughed bitterly. "I've always been late the day you were hospitalized."

"I love the way you always try to remodel the kitchen, even though it looks horrible each time."

Eren gave a little shake of his head, clearly disagreeing.

"I love the way you always come back to me, each time-even if I tell you not to." His voice started trembling slightly.

"I…love the way that you always use my shampoo without permission, so that you smell like me sometimes."

"I love the way you say-'I love you', over and over, and over again."

"I love the way that you always hug me in the nighttime-I would never tell you this-but I couldn't fall asleep until one when you were gone-And-

"I love the way that you love me." Rivaille's mouth trembled.

I want to cry. 

"So Eren, please. Don't leave me." Rivaille begged, the last part a hushed whisper.

I want to cry. 

"I love you. I always have."

I want to cry.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything."

Eren cried. Silent tears were streaming down his face, dripping in Rivaille's hair as he took the smaller man in an embrace, holding him tightly against the cold.

It wasn't just his hand that was cold, Eren realized-

But every part of his body.

He gave up that warmth, just for him. And that touched Eren beyond words.

I love you too.

And as Rivaille leaned in to give him a kiss, he kissed back, ferociously, desperately, hungrily-

Because he didn't know what would happen next.

I guess I'll just have to live in this moment, then. 

And as they walked back to the hospital together, Rivaille mentioned offhandly-"It's Valentines Day, brat."

Eren blinked at him.

"I didn't get you chocolate," Rivaille sighed. "But I did get you a ring." From behind his back, he produced a shining silver band. And as Eren peered at it, scratches on it came into sharp relief.

Eternity. 

Even if Eren could talk-there was nothing that he could've said.

The roses were still on the bed when they walked in, and Eren hastily produced a vase to set them in.

And as he looked out the window, held contently in Rivaille's arms, he realized.

The leaf was still there.


End file.
